I get this question frequently from leaders at all levels and this isn’t surprising given that over 60% of leaders haven’t received any training. The answer is: you want to aim to be a highly effective leader and you need to know somewhere to start that will help you feel confident in your choices.
The exercise I am giving you below will help you decide what kind of results you want as a leader and then help you determine what behavior is going to lead to those results. This will act as a guidepost and provide you with some insight as to how to handle an issue/situation or make a decision. This exercise is very people-centric, which one could argue is the primary source of indecision in a leadership role. Being able to effectively deal with people is crucial in today’s highly collaborative environment where we rely on people to solve complex problems.
The first step is to write out: how do you want to make people feel? List 5 feelings. If you’re stuck on this, I’ll give you some examples of how a leader might answer in order to provoke thought. I want to make people feel…
The next step is to write down what thought(s) or behavior(s) you can think/do that will produce that desired feeling (from your perspective). Here’s an example:
Put yourself in their shoes. If you felt trusted, what would someone be doing to make you feel that way? What does it take for you to feel trusted? What qualities do you respect in someone else? A leader? Is this behavior a value-add to the other person, your relationship with them, and the organization? Remember that what motivates you is not what motivates others, but this is a good place to start.
Whenever you get stuck and you don’t know what action to take or how to move forward, review your table of feelings and thoughts/behaviors and see if it can help you choose what path to take. Even if the answer is to do something that feels uncomfortable to you, like having a tough conversation with someone, remember that that behavior could be providing immense value to the other person, your relationship, and the organization. There will be short-term discomfort, but, the long-game is all about genuine relationships and building trust.
Ask your direct reports and colleagues how you make them feel, how they want to feel, and what behaviors you can do that will make them feel that way. This will give you massive insight into the current pulse and what motivates them so you as a leader can flex your style accordingly. This is the recipe to the secret sauce! The caveat to this is that the foundational ingredient is trust – in order for people share honestly, they have to trust and respect you; otherwise, they’ll tell you what they think you want to hear and this is not helpful for you or them. If you have a history of getting defensive or not regulating your emotions, don’t expect others to share honestly. What they share is also dependent on their conflict style.
